Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents

Navigating the choppy waters of co-parenting after divorce is essential to minimizing the impact of divorce on children. The goal should be to put the children in the center of your “Family 2.0,” not in the middle. This isn't merely about making peace with your ex-partner; it's about laying the groundwork for your child's future happiness, confidence, and well-being as the child transitions into separate households. Studies have shown that high conflict between spouses (regardless of whether the spouses remain together or separate), and not the divorce itself, is what contributes most to negative outcomes for children.  The importance of getting it right couldn't be more critical. Let's dive into the art of co-parenting—where effective communication, ironclad boundaries, and mutual respect are not just strategies, but lifelines for parents and children navigating the aftermath of divorce.

Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

There are two main styles of post-divorce parenting when custody is shared: co-parenting and parallel parenting. Co-parenting is where parents collaborate, communicate, and attempt to have consistent schedules, rules, and values for both households. Parallel parenting is typical when ex-spouses cannot communicate without conflict and therefore they minimize all interaction. With parallel parenting each parent has their own approach and rules when the children are in their custody without input from the other parent.  Both types of parenting can be effective depending on the relationship of the parents, but according to a recent study, children fared best when co-parents worked cooperatively and both parents were positive and congruent in their co-parenting relationship. When the quality of co-parenting declined and mothers were less positive than fathers, children fared poorer, and children showed the poorest adjustment when fathers were less positive than mothers. 

Establishing Effective Communication

The foundation of successful co-parenting is effective communication. It's essential to establish a business-like and respectful communication style with your ex-partner. Tools such as co-parenting apps and shared calendars can help manage schedules, share important information about the children, and reduce potential conflicts. 

A good rule of thumb when communicating with a co-parent is to follow the BIFF method, developed by mediator and therapist, Bill Eddy. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. 

1. Brief: Keep it short and sweet. Try to discuss only one request at a time if possible.
2. Informative: There’s no need to add emotion, accusation, opinions, or defensiveness, even if the other person is responding with hostility. 
3. Friendly: Avoid hostility, even if you’re feeling attacked. Remain friendly to avoid any escalation of hostilities. Exercise self-restraint. 
4. Firm: Calmly end the conversation by asking a question that only requires a yes or no question, or indicate what you plan to do without inviting further hostility or clapbacks. Firm does not mean harsh. (See step 3). 

Setting Boundaries and Creating a Co-Parenting Plan

Setting clear boundaries is another critical aspect of co-parenting. This involves agreeing on rules and routines for the children that apply across both households. Creating a co-parenting plan can facilitate this process. A co-parenting plan should cover various aspects, including living arrangements, education, healthcare, and how decisions will be made. 

Mutual Respect and Flexibility

While maintaining consistency is important, flexibility is also key to effective co-parenting. Life is unpredictable, and being willing to adjust plans or schedules for the sake of your children's needs is crucial. There’s a good chance you’re going to need a favor from your co-parent at some point. Being flexible with your co-parent will create good will, cooperation, and rebuild trust. Mutual respect plays a significant role here; recognizing and respecting each other's roles and contributions as parents will help in navigating unexpected changes more smoothly.

Working with a Co-Parenting Coach

A co-parenting coach can significantly improve co-parenting relationships.  Coaches offer practical strategies, emotional support, and communication skills and tools to create a positive co-parenting environment. Even if only one parent is working with a co-parenting coach, that can dramatically change the dynamic between both co-parents. 

Conclusion

Co-parenting is not without its challenges, but with effective communication, clear boundaries, mutual respect, and flexibility, it is possible to create a stable and supportive environment for your children. Remember, the goal of co-parenting is to ensure that your children’s needs are met and that they can maintain a healthy relationship with both parents.  Creating and maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship requires effort, patience, and commitment. However, the positive impact on your children’s well-being and development is immeasurable. By prioritizing their needs and working cooperatively with your ex-partner, you can navigate the challenges of co-parenting successfully.

 Thinking about hiring a co-parenting coach? Book your free consultation call with me!